PXL News

TRANSCRIPT

Everything the anchors say on this tape, story by story.

Nächstes Resident Evil gerne später: Neuer Trailer enthüllt Release für Dezember – „Bin so aufgeregt!“ (4Players)

GRETA FOOTNOTE: A story trailer for Cronos: Lazarus lands while Resident Evil Veronica is still months away.

GRANT BRICKMAN: Now the full story: Resident Evil Veronica is months away, so Cronos: Lazarus fills the gap. A DLC called Lazarus, naturally it returns. ▶

THE ANNOUNCER: In a world... of time-travel armour and tentacled space monsters, the story is not over yet. ▶

KAI: Huge. Is there a port on this suit? ▶

UNIT-7: Tentacled space monsters again? ▶

THE ANNOUNCER: Cronos: Lazarus. ▶

GRETA FOOTNOTE: Spoiler rating: three. It only takes us back to where the main game put us, in the armour, facing the tentacles. ▶

ROXY: Four reels! Over 200 comments say they are so excited, and so am I. I cried at the armour. ▶

The Gallery [FICTION]

GRANT BRICKMAN: A quick look behind the glass in the control room.

DIRECTOR MARGE: Gallery, we are live in the room! Who touched the big red button?

PASSERBY: It was glowing, so I thought it wanted to be pressed.

DIRECTOR MARGE: We just aired 'OpenAI plans to train models on Daybreak Blue cybersecurity session data that was previously off-limits'. Why is it on the coffee monitor?

PASSERBY: Sorry, the tally lights all look the same. Is red good?

DIRECTOR MARGE: Red means live! And the pigeon is sitting on Camera 2 again. Get it off!

PASSERBY: I offered it a sandwich. It wants the headset.

[AD · fictional product] Essayish

BILLY MAYHEM: Essay due TOMORROW? Essayish writes fifty pages while you PANIC! Thirty sources! Thirty-ish!

PRUDENCE NUANCE: On the one hand, thorough. On the other hand, who is Professor Nobody?

BILLY MAYHEM: But wait! Every essay comes with a footnote that cites the footnote! FREE!

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles. Plain text