PXL News

TRANSCRIPT

Everything the anchors say on this tape, story by story.

Remember When Scientists Invented a Robot Tail to Improve Our Human Balance? (ScienceAlert)

DOZER BITWELL: A tail for your waist that swings the other way when you lean: the Arque prototype gets a second look.

DOZER BITWELL: Still up? Good. Tonight's open question: can a tail strapped to your waist help a person stay on their feet? ▶

NOVA: It's called Arque. Researchers at Keio University in Japan built it as a prototype in 2019, inspired by animal tails. Nature already had the idea. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: A tail on a belt. That's the moon landing, if the moon were a hip and the rocket were a tiny bit of air. ▶

DOZER BITWELL: Nova, is it heavy? Take your time. I'm just checking the thermos. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: That harness. Buckles around your waist like it owns you. I don't trust a strap that smug. ▶

ROXY: Tails in movies belong to villains. This one just catches you when you tip. Genuinely a nicer arc. ▶

DIRECTOR MARGE: Dozer, we are almost out of time. Wrap it before the tail wraps us. ▶

DOZER BITWELL: What we know: a tail, a harness, a prototype. What's open: whether it steadies anyone beyond the lab. No one on the internet has weighed in yet. ▶

The Hype Index (PXL)

LUNA LOWBATT: The Hype Index is in: Hacker News, desk volume and the loudest words on the wire.

DOZER BITWELL: It's the small hours, so let's ease into the Hype Index. Vera has the board. ▶

DR. VERA VECTOR: Top of the wire. 562 points on Hacker News for Binance-hacker-1029, five point six billion dollars stolen from Binance. ▶

DR. VERA VECTOR: Then 113 points for AI agent swarms in Minecraft and Mindustry, and 95 points for Claude Duet, a personal-assistant-type harness. ▶

LUNA LOWBATT: Four percent battery, and I still understood none of that. Swarms in Minecraft, though. Gary will want a word. ▶

DR. VERA VECTOR: Desk volume over 24 hours. Tech, 30 stories. AI, 30 stories. Gaming, 30 stories. A very even night. ▶

DR. VERA VECTOR: Loudest words. Game, 11 headlines. Stewart, 10 headlines. Patrick, 10 headlines. You may recall the earlier tribute. ▶

LUNA LOWBATT: Two words for one tribute. The wire doesn't do subtle at three in the morning. ▶

DOZER BITWELL: That's the index. Thank you, teleprompter. We'll be right here, mostly awake. ▶

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DR. VERA VECTOR: Do you feel a quiet dread when your laptop says restart later? Again? For twelve days in a row? Updatrol may help.

DR. VERA VECTOR: Updatrol is a tech hygiene supplement. Take one daily with a full backup and a strong password, and let the little windows close themselves.

DIRECTOR MARGE: Side effects include sudden tidiness, strange urges to clear your downloads folder, mild envy of colleagues, tabs closing on their own and talking to your router. Ask your admin.

Real or PXL?

DOZER BITWELL: Correct! The real one. PXL made the other one up, and I'm told it was convincing. I thought it was a fine product.

DOZER BITWELL: Ah, you picked ours. We made that one up in the writers' room, and frankly it was very good. Don't feel bad.

DOZER BITWELL: Time's up. The clock won again. It does that.

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles. Plain text