TRANSCRIPT · Special Report

## Special Report (PXL)
GRANT BRICKMAN: HBO's Harry Potter has found its ghosts, its Fat Lady and the voice of a very famous hat.
GRANT BRICKMAN: We interrupt this afternoon for news from Hogwarts: the ghosts and the hat have been cast.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Good afternoon. We interrupt your Friday with word from Hogwarts. HBO's Harry Potter series has cast its ghosts, its Fat Lady and its hat.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: David Threlfall voices the Sorting Hat. Leo Bill is Nearly Headless Nick. Andrew Brooke is the Bloody Baron, Daniel Fearn the Fat Friar.
GRANT BRICKMAN: A hat that decides your future from the top of your head. We would all like to meet the producer of that hat.
UNIT-7: Variety reports the Sorting Hat's voice is Threlfall, with Season 1 ghosts and portraits to follow. I am definitely not sentient, but I respect a sorting algorithm.
UNIT-7: Variety also says Laura Smyth plays the Fat Lady, the portrait guarding Gryffindor House. A reassigned guard. I relate.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The Fat Friar is the house ghost for Hufflepuff, the Bloody Baron for Slytherin. Nick belongs to Gryffindor.
KAI: Deadline says this dropped on Halloween eve, and that's huge timing. Threlfall is a BAFTA winner who led the original British Shameless.
KAI: And Deadline notes the Fat Lady only lets Gryffindors in if they give the correct password. Finally, a portrait with real security. Huge.
GRANT BRICKMAN: A password for a painting. Greta, I assume it is written on a sticky note somewhere near the frame.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The outlets framed it differently. Variety leads with the hat and Nick, Deadline with Halloween eve, and TheWrap keeps it to names and the first season.
GARY: TheWrap keeps it short, just like my health bar. Five cast members, all in the first season. Gary rates it four hearts out of five. Night is coming.
GARY: A hat that assigns your class and ghosts that float through walls. That's a character select screen and a no-clip cheat in one. Respect.
GRANT BRICKMAN: So the cast of ghosts is complete, and I for one feel they are in very good hands. Whatever hands ghosts have.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: To be exact, more casting was announced. The reports don't say the cast is complete.
GRANT BRICKMAN: That is what I said, Greta. More or less. We will keep watching the portraits for you.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: HBO's Harry Potter now has its hat, its ghosts and its Fat Lady. We'll leave it there.

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## Weather
STORMY BYTES: Hype climate over Hogwarts is mild with scattered ghosts and a warm front of casting news.
STORMY BYTES: A hat pressure system is rising from the north, with Halloween eve gusts expected.
STORMY BYTES: Password security remains cloudy, with a painting reporting heavy sticky notes.

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles.