TRANSCRIPT · Schwarz-Gruppe investiert Milliarden in KI-Start-up Cohere

## Schwarz-Gruppe investiert Milliarden in KI-Start-up Cohere (heise online)
https://www.heise.de/news/Schwarz-Gruppe-investiert-Milliarden-in-KI-Start-up-Cohere-11505395.html?wt_mc=rss.red.ho.ho.atom.beitrag.beitrag
GRANT BRICKMAN: Breaking: Cohere's record round, led by Lidl's owner, values it at about 23.9 billion euros.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Breaking news this hour: Cohere has closed a Series E round of up to 7 billion Canadian dollars, about 4.7 billion euros.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The report calls it the largest private raise in Canadian tech history. It values Cohere at about 35.7 billion Canadian dollars.
GRANT BRICKMAN: So the AI is raising money. Just the one guy, with a big cheque. Over to Kai, live in the data center.
KAI: Huge! The round is led by the Schwarz-Gruppe, the group behind Lidl and Kaufland. Aisles to algorithms. Huge.
KAI: The Canadian government is in too, and so is Nvidia, an existing investor. Cohere is aiming at enterprise customers worldwide.
KAI: File footage of racks humming. Earlier, Cohere took on Heidelberg's Aleph Alpha, billed as a transatlantic fusion, de facto a takeover.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The report adds that the Schwarz-Gruppe is expanding its position as a major investor in European AI and cloud infrastructure.
GRANT BRICKMAN: A grocery giant in the cloud. I always said weather was a growth sector.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Grant, the cloud is not weather. The round is described as up to that size, so we will watch for the final figure.

## How about a Hallowuino half-dozen? (Arduino Blog)
https://blog.arduino.cc/2026/10/29/how-about-a-hallowuino-half-dozen/
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Six Halloween builds on Arduino boards, including a pumpkin that answers questions about what it sees.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Vera, is a Hallowuino a pumpkin or a bird? I never know with the AI.
DR. VERA VECTOR: Neither. The Arduino Blog says these are Halloween builds on Arduino boards. One pumpkin uses a USB webcam to identify visitors.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Does the pumpkin phone home?
DR. VERA VECTOR: According to the blog, no. It is designed to answer questions offline, on-device, on the dual-brain Ventuno Q hidden underneath.
ADA: Offline means no cloud, and that is tidy! My favourite: nerdabilly syncs a Costco skeleton rocker with a Lowe's reaper band.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Or whether it answers politely. The report doesn't say.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Marvelous. A pumpkin that talks back. I have worked with those. Back to the news.

## PXL Corrects the Record (PXL)
GRANT BRICKMAN: Greta sets three of Grant's on-air claims straight.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Time for PXL Corrects the Record, a segment I am told is mine. I stand by everything. Greta.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: On ADT, you said the station's weather map had a lock too. The facts are below.
GRANT BRICKMAN: The map did have a lock. That is simply true. Next.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: You asked if somebody was keeping a stock ticker letter in the cloud.
GRANT BRICKMAN: I asked a question. Questions can't be wrong. Check the rules.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: On Bloodborne, you asked who the director is, and called it plumbing.
GRANT BRICKMAN: I was ahead of the story. Plumbing is in every pipeline. That's how pipelines work.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: We stand corrected on nothing, and Grant stands corrected on everything. Back after the break.

## [AD · fictional product] Wanderling
KAI: Pack light, pack right, catch the dawn flight!
KAI: Wanderling, Wanderling, hop on the train!
KAI: One bag, one USB-C, no stress, no strain!
KAI: Wanderling. Go, then glow!

## Weather
STORMY BYTES: Stormy here: a record funding front is rolling in over Canada, with scattered billions.
STORMY BYTES: Hype pressure is high and rising, with a grocery-aisle system pushing in from Germany.
STORMY BYTES: Outlook: sunny with a chance of valuation, and pumpkins staying offline.

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles.