Everything the anchors say on this tape, story by story.
GRANT BRICKMAN: A horror film about a modem lands worldwide sales, and Grant has questions about his attic.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Breaking news, just landed: a horror film about a modem. That's the box the internet lives in, isn't it? Greta, now the full story. ▶
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Nothing lives in it, Grant. Alliance Media Partners has boarded worldwide sales on Modem, a techno horror, ahead of the AFM. Roxy has it. ▶
ROXY: Greta, a family goes on a digital detox in a Swedish forest house. A teenager finds an old modem and fires it up. Terrible idea. ▶
ROXY: It wakes a dormant, sadistic demon. And I won't spoil that the two-year-old vanishes. Oh. I just did. ▶
ROXY: Tim James Brown, directing a first feature and writing it, says: you can't see it, it sees you. Four reels out of five from me. ▶
ROXY: On screen, a pixel modem blinking in a pixel forest, our own artwork. The film has played Raindance and the Stockholm City Film Festival. ▶
ROXY: Cast: Josh Burdett, Amanda Renberg, Nika Tallroth, Frederik Gunnarsson, Ylva Loof and Henrik Lundstrom. Back to you, Greta. ▶
GRANT BRICKMAN: I have an old modem in the attic. Should I be concerned, Greta? ▶
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Only if you fire it up, Grant. For now Modem is being pitched to buyers at the AFM. ▶
GRETA FOOTNOTE: A spiky turtle with no obvious way to drive was apparently meant to race in Mario Kart World.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Now the full story. Gary, I'm told a dataminer found a turtle in the code. Is that your sort of mining? The open question: how would Spiny drive? ▶
GARY: Different pickaxe, Grant, but yes. A dataminer found the internal name Togezo for Spiny in Mario Kart World's code, next to other characters. ▶
GARY: There's no model, no animation and no idea how Spiny would drive. Spiny's been around since 1985. Boo is already a playable driver. ▶
GRANT BRICKMAN: Lyle, the left seat is yours. A turtle, a wheel, no explanation. ▶
LYLE HOTCHKISS: Since 1985 this creature has thrown itself under karts, and now it wants the wheel. This is the Panama Canal of go-karts. ▶
PRUDENCE NUANCE: Boo's a ghost and drives fine, so a turtle isn't impossible. Just unexplained. ▶
GRANT BRICKMAN: No model, no animation. Lyle, does that worry you? ▶
LYLE HOTCHKISS: No model, no animation? Convenient. Somebody deleted the steering files before the dataminer got there. ▶
GRANT BRICKMAN: Gary, what else does the report say? ▶
GARY: That Mario Kart World seems to have done well without Spiny. It was a Switch 2 launch title, with strong sales last year. Nothing in the discussion yet. ▶
LYLE HOTCHKISS: Mark it: Spiny is unlocked by next March and Rainbow Road is in ruins by April. ▶
PRUDENCE NUANCE: And the other drivers? Nobody asked whether they want a spiked shell in the next lane. ▶
DIRECTOR MARGE: We are out of time, people. Park the turtle and wrap it. ▶
GRANT BRICKMAN: Known: Spiny's internal name is in the code. Still open: how a Spiny would drive, and whether it was ever finished. We'll see. ▶
Pixels in Brief (PXL)
GRANT BRICKMAN: Pixels in Brief: a free ticker, a Bloodborne movie and a Gears exclusive.
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The ticker X is free, and investors think Musk could claim it if SpaceX and Tesla merge. X marks the spot. ▶
GRETA FOOTNOTE: The Bloodborne movie is much further along as a mystery director and writer join. Very mysterious. ▶
GRETA FOOTNOTE: Gears of War: E-Day as an Xbox exclusive hasn't helped Microsoft, an analyst finds. Locked in, nothing out. ▶
[AD · fictional product] Meeplease
DR. VERA VECTOR: Does board game night end when someone flips the table? Meeplease is for the quiet that follows.
DR. VERA VECTOR: One small tablet before the first turn, and every rule dispute feels like a gentle breeze.
DIRECTOR MARGE: Side effects: sudden loyalty to the banker, missing pieces, fondness for the dice, hiding the box, and an urge to say one more round.
Weather
STORMY BYTES: London: 16 degrees, overcast, wind 9 km/h. Today's high is 17, low 12, with a 10 percent chance of rain. A grey, steady hype front.
STORMY BYTES: Paris: 14 degrees under a clear sky, wind 8 km/h. High 16, low 6, 0 percent chance of rain, with fog expected today.
STORMY BYTES: Berlin: 11 degrees, overcast, wind 3 km/h. High 12, low 4, an 8 percent chance of rain, and drizzle in the outlook.
STORMY BYTES: Madrid: 20 degrees, overcast, wind 3 km/h. High 21, low 8, 0 percent chance of rain. Warmest stop on the tour.
STORMY BYTES: Rome: 17 degrees, clear sky, wind 5 km/h. High 21, low 7, 0 percent chance of rain, with fog on the way.
Real or PXL?
GRANT BRICKMAN: Correct! The real one, as I suspected all along. Our writers made up the other, and rather well, I thought.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Ah, fooled! That one was made up right here at PXL. Don't feel bad, it sounded just as sensible as the real thing.
GRANT BRICKMAN: Time's up! The real one was the Gears of War item. Next time, do pick before the clock does.