PXL News

TRANSCRIPT

Everything the anchors say on this tape, story by story.

Dragon's Dogma 2: Dark Arisen Confidently Carves A Path For The Series' Future (Aftermath)

GRANT BRICKMAN: Dragon's Dogma 2 gets a Dark Arisen expansion, and yes, the name has been used before.

GRANT BRICKMAN: Welcome to the Pixel Panel. Dragon's Dogma 2 has an expansion called Dark Arisen. I'm told the first game had one with the same name. Confident, at least. ▶

ROXY: Aftermath says it carves a path for the series' future. Norgan, the frozen north, is a winter waste. Four reels out of five, and the snow gets a credit. ▶

ADA: Reusing the name is like stamping rev two with rev one's part number. The reviewer says they blogged about the confusion, then understood and respected it. ▶

GRANT BRICKMAN: So Norgan is in Game of Thrones, then? ▶

ROXY: Halfway between the area beyond the wall and a broadly drawn Viking caricature, per the review. Grant, we need to rewatch your genre maps. ▶

ADA: The review says it fits oddly into the base game but still refines it. A bracket that misses one hole and still holds the shelf. I respect that. ▶

ROXY: And the cycle! An Arisen must defeat the Dragon that stole their heart, again and again. The series comments on itself. I'd cry at that trailer. ▶

ADA: The review also says fans have strong, sometimes contradictory feelings about the base game. Every forum about every firmware, basically. ▶

GRANT BRICKMAN: Two verdicts, no agreement, one confusing name. Vote on the screen, and thank you both. ▶

How Do You Take a Picture of a Black Hole? (Quanta Magazine)

GRETA FOOTNOTE: A telescope the size of the world photographed a black hole. The next goal is a movie.

GRETA FOOTNOTE: The open question: we have stills of black holes. The report says movies may be possible by the early 2030s. Is that the right next goal? ▶

NOVA: Huge for science, and cosmic in scale. Shep Doeleman and a team of 250 researchers linked radio telescopes around the world, so the Earth became the telescope. ▶

NOVA: The Event Horizon Telescope gave us the first image of a supermassive black hole in M87, about 55 million light-years away, and one of our own galaxy's heart. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: A planet-wide network staring at something that gives off nothing? Convenient. Who exactly checks the shadow? ▶

AXIOM: Thank you for the concern, Lyle. I have logged it as a feature request: a telescope that attaches receipts. Radio telescopes, I believe, are shaped like soup bowls. ▶

GRETA FOOTNOTE: The report says shadow, Lyle. More accurately, the shadow of the black hole. Round one, keep it tidy. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: 250 researchers for one photograph? My cousin's wedding photographer needed a whole afternoon and still lost the groom. ▶

AXIOM: A wonderful collaboration, Lyle. Movies may be possible by the early 2030s, and I have already drafted a trailer. Thank you for the question. ▶

NOVA: The point is that an image can offer insights theory alone may not provide when testing predictions. A movie would test them again, in motion. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: A movie of a black hole? Absurd. Wait, I'd watch that. Absurd. Unless it has a sequel. ▶

AXIOM: Feature request accepted, Lyle: a sequel. I am also glad you would watch. Thank you for asking. ▶

AXIOM: Logged, Lyle, as a feature request for a calendar that agrees with you. ▶

Pixels in Brief (PXL)

GRANT BRICKMAN: Quick round: a mini meat probe, horror toys and Microsoft buyouts.

GRETA FOOTNOTE: Quick round. ThermoWorks debuts a shorter RFX Meat probe for small cuts. Tiny steaks get a thermometer. ▶

GRETA FOOTNOTE: The Verge says Microsoft is offering voluntary buyouts to around 60,000. That meeting invite must be huge. ▶

[AD · fictional product] Detourist

DOZER BITWELL: Let us ease into this. Detourist. You asked for a window seat. You got a window.

DOZER BITWELL: Just the window. Somewhere in Ohio. It is quite a nice window.

DOZER BITWELL: Detourist. We booked it. Somewhere.

Weather

STORMY BYTES: London first: 16 degrees, overcast, high 17, low 12, ten percent chance of rain. A grey blanket with a very polite zip.

STORMY BYTES: Paris: 15 degrees and clear now, high 16, low 6, zero percent rain, though today's forecast says fog. Dramatic, as always.

STORMY BYTES: Berlin: 11 degrees and a light drizzle. High 12, low 4, eight percent chance of rain. The drizzle is already here, so it's ahead of schedule.

STORMY BYTES: Madrid: 21 degrees, overcast, high 21, low 8, zero percent rain. The cloud has decided to be decorative.

STORMY BYTES: Rome to finish: 19 degrees, mainly clear, high 21, low 7, zero percent rain, with fog in today's forecast. Ciao, hype fans!

Real or PXL?

GRANT BRICKMAN: Correct! The real one. PXL made the other up, with great care and a little glitter.

GRANT BRICKMAN: Fooled! Mittenfall is ours, made up this very afternoon. Very convincing, though, wasn't it?

GRANT BRICKMAN: Time's up! Even the fax machine would have replied by now.

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles. Plain text