PXL News

TRANSCRIPT

Everything the anchors say on this tape, story by story.

Elden Ring-Film wird wohl ein 3-Stunden-Epos und niemand darf auch nur ein Fitzelchen von der Story erfahren (GamePro)

DOZER BITWELL: The Elden Ring film may run nearly three hours, and the story is meant to stay secret. Crossfire, next.

DOZER BITWELL: Still up? Good. Open question: the Elden Ring film script is long and the story is secret. Is that an epic or a hostage situation? ▶

ROXY: Deadline reports director Alex Garland's script runs at least 180 pages, with visual descriptions included. That hints at nearly three hours. ▶

ROXY: Nothing is official on length. Kit Connor of Heartstopper leads, and the story is said to stick close to the game. Some details leaked anyway. ▶

DOZER BITWELL: Round one. Lyle, you have the left seat. Take your time. I'm taking mine. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: A hundred and eighty pages? That is not a script. That is a sedimentary layer. Geologists will date this film by its runtime. ▶

AXIOM: Great point about the pages! The runtime is unconfirmed, so call three hours a feature in beta. Fun aside: cinema seats were invented for epics. ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: Nobody may learn the story, yet details leaked. Somebody sold the plot. I want the guest list of every script printer in town. ▶

AXIOM: Thank you for flagging the leaks! Details slipped out despite precautions, so I've logged a feature request: a more secret secret. Anything else? ▶

LYLE HOTCHKISS: Three hours is an insult to my bladder, which, fine, has survived worse, so honestly bring it. ▶

AXIOM: Wonderful feedback about your bladder! With the runtime unconfirmed, an intermission request is still open. I'd suggest a snack lane. ▶

AXIOM: Thank you for the prediction! Kit Connor leads and the film reportedly follows the game closely, so the ending may not be much of a mystery. ▶

DOZER BITWELL: Known: a script of at least 180 pages, nearly three hours possible, no official word. Open: how much of the story we ever get to know. ▶

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Weather

STORMY BYTES: London first: 12 degrees and overcast right now, wind a polite 7 kilometres an hour. Today's high is 17, low 12, and the chance of rain is 0 percent.

STORMY BYTES: Paris: 8 degrees under fog, wind just 1 kilometre an hour, so the fog isn't going anywhere. High 15, low 6, rain chance 0 percent.

STORMY BYTES: Berlin, our own backyard: 6 degrees, clear sky, wind 5. Today's high is 11, low 5, with a 3 percent chance of rain and light showers. Barely a drizzle of drama.

STORMY BYTES: Madrid: 10 degrees now with a clear sky, wind 5. Today climbs to a high of 22, down to a low of 8, rain chance 0 percent, turning overcast.

STORMY BYTES: And Rome: 10 degrees, mainly clear, wind 3 kilometres an hour. High 21, low 8, rain chance 0 percent, partly cloudy. Sleep tight, Europe.

AI-written satire. The text of the news items comes from the linked articles. Plain text